warmblue: RV, Wendy and anaesthesia

I'm a college drop-out. College to me was a waste of time and I dreaded having to fulfil tasks against my will. Maybe it was the environment, maybe it was the circumstances, maybe it was because of many other factors, but I guess the main one was I wanted to start my own business. I gathered the courage and went against social norms and dropped out. Wherever I go, people ask, which university did you graduate from? What did you study? And when they found it, the questions changed to 'Why did you drop out?' or just mere silence. Puzzled expressions, indifferent expressions and people trying their best to suppress looking down on an individual. Mostly curiosity though. My siblings consists of a Stanford graduate and a lawyer thus dropping out was naturally a huge disappointment to my family. Being the hard-headed me that I am, I still went ahead. I was never ashamed and still isn't.


I started from scratch, learning entrepreneurship from real world experienced people instead of lecturers giving their piece which may or may not be of value. I was eager and learnt everything first hand. To me, I was learning and believed I would eventually make it. To my family, I'm just a bum wasting my time because I wasn't delivering results. Society doesn't wait, age doesn't wait. That look my mother gives me and how reluctant she is when she had to answer to her friends as to what exactly is her child doing rings in my head every now and then. It haunts me in my dream. I know I can choose to be my own, but I want to see my mum being happy. Even if it means forgoing my own wants. The pressure to be successful. I promised myself a time limit to accomplish the milestones I've set.

Starting up a business is tough. I've learnt invaluable knowledge and experience from the years. Throughout my journey, however, I was accused, cheated, blamed, wronged, saw ugly sides of people which I've never imagined before. Thinking back, they were kind of minor but I guess I place trust in people a little bit too easily. (I still trust and love people though) Countless setbacks which I've picked up lessons and pulled myself through.

I've known Red Velvet since they've debuted. During 'Happiness', the girl with blue ends caught my eyes with her beauty and my ears with her voice. 'This is a great song and this is a great vocalist' I thought. I came to learn that her name is Wendy. I never thought much about it though, other than listening to the song for the next couple of days. Then came 'Ice Cream Cake' and here again, one particular girl caught my eyes. I reckon I have bad face recognition and so I had to read the youtube comments to figure out who the members are again. Wendy. It's her again! What a coincidence (or is it). At that point of time, I was pretty much disconnected from k-pop but the only idol band that I make sure to take a listen to when they make a come back was Red Velvet.

When 'Dumb Dumb' came out, I was having a really hard time in life. Mentally. Those were the times where I felt lost. Many things happened and I don't know what to do with myself, or with my life. I chanced upon Dumb Dumb. The girl with the orange polo shirt, the look she gave while looking back at the camera and twirling her hair. 'Who is that girl?? I need to know.' Credits to youtube comments, it was Wendy. Those ad-libs towards the end of the song were drugs to my ears. I listened to the whole song on repeat just to listen to the ad-libs over and over again. At that point, I wasn't familiar with Red Velvet's voices yet and came to learn that the owner to that voice was Wendy. Again.

I also came to find out that Red Velvet has really awesome b-sides. I'm a music fanatic and I listen to music for comfort whenever I feel down. I fell in love with this band. It gave my mind a moment off the reality I am facing. Something got into me, I went to look up everything about Red Velvet. When I say everything, I really meant everything. I went through all the thousands of pages in RV gallery. There probably isn't anything that I don't know of even though I only come to really know them in 2015. That was how obsessed I was (or how much I wanted to escape real-life issues (which ahem I did not neglect)). I was glad I had something to cheer me up.

Wendy, I fell in love with her voice and her beauty. The more I dig up about this individual, the more I fell deeper. I feel like there's so much things to learn from this individual. (Much, because it's uncountable). I know that whatever I see from the screen and third party information may not be all there is to it, but whatever I see is enough for me to believe she is what I think she is. Well, even if she's not, I'm not bothered either.

May 2016. I went for surgery. I had to go for a full body anaesthesia. I lied on the cold operation table while the anaesthetic officer put on the anaesthesia mask. 'Don't be afraid, you'll be fine', she said. But that did not calm me down at all. In fact, I panicked. I was struggling mentally. As the medicine went into my nose, I could feel my body losing its ability to move while my mind was fully conscious. It is a truly scary experience. The feeling of being conscious but powerless. If someone were to kill me right then, I wouldn't have been able to do anything. (Which makes me think, it actually is a painless way to die) I could hear the doctor and nurses fondling with the surgery tools. The sound of clinging metal ringing in my ears was enough to make my mind run wild. I was so powerless, I came to imagine tons of useless stuff such as death. Images of the surgery knife tearing apart my skin, the blood, the veins, the gore, the flesh. I was scaring myself. My heart was beating fast and I felt like I was suffocating. I wanted to open my mouth to take deep breaths but there was nothing I could do. I actually thought that I could die. I could hear the nurses talking amongst themselves. I wanted to scream to make myself heard. I remember tears flowing out and a nurse had to help me wipe it off while saying 'she's crying!'. The anaesthetic officer was still at my side. 'Count down from 10. Think of nice things', she said. I tried. I thought of colours, nature, and anything possibly happy. Nothing worked. Counting down was hell. I was supposed to black out even before I finish counting. I was on my 2nd attempt but I was still concious. I guess my brain might have been resisting. I could hear but I couldn't move or see. I thought I might have to go through the surgery having to hear everything and imagine what's happening. When the IV was plucked into my arm, I knew and felt the pain. I for one, is extremely low in pain tolerance. I wanted to tell them that I'm still awake but I was helpless.

Then I tried to think of Wendy. Everything became peaceful. Everything felt serene. I fell into sleep. I'm going to be fine, I told myself.

I am so thankful to Wendy. However, after the surgery, I still think about it from time to time. Every time that happens, I felt pathetic. Just how obsessed I am that I had to think of Wendy to feel calm at the point when I felt the most vulnerable. It is what it is though, and I won't deny it.

I started to make a blog. The purpose of the blog is to compile everything related to Wendy in one blog so that it is easy for fans to look for information. I am too caught up with life to complete it though. Till date, I only had a teeny weeny bit done. :/ It's my first time doing something like this, It is also my first time making a twitter account and translating stuff. There are many first times that I've done because of Wendy which I would never have been able to imagine myself doing before. Whenever I translate, I feel happy. I want to help people know about Red Velvet.

Towards the end of 2016. Economy was bad, business was bad, things were going down. I could pick myself up and fight through it. But I wasn't happy. The ambition in me died down. Before, I had promised myself a time limit. I thought, this was it. I want to give myself some time off. I made a decision. I packed things up and said, I want to go back to college. The delight on the faces of my family. Judging by their faces, 'Finally, she finally woke up her mind' is what I imagined them to say in their minds internally. I've decided to enrol myself again. This time, at my own will. I'm going to start all over again, and this time, doing it properly. Everyone around me is younger, but everyone has their own pace in life and this is mine.

Red Velvet is my guilty pleasure. I guess I can never gain the courage to confess to my real-life mates about the amount of encouragement I have gained from Red Velvet and Wendy. Albeit indirectly. I could tell people that I like Red Velvet, but I could never tell them how I had to think of Wendy to go through a surgery. This post will probably only be read by fans of Red Velvet and that's how I mustered the courage and think it's fine to pen it down here.

Red Velvet will never become the first priority in my life. Fans will eventually not be fans anymore I guess. Somewhere down the years though, I know that I will still be supporting because I can never let go of music. Sometime in the future, Wendy, do know that I will still love you, support you and be grateful to you. No matter what, you have become a part of my life journey and will be etched in memory.

My dream is to open schools and help the less fortunate. Many scoffed when I told them. It sounds unrealistic, I know. I want to accomplish what I have to in order to fulfil this lifelong dream of mine. My entrepreneur journey hasn't ended too. Yet.

I am never fully comfortable with sharing my personal life on a public space. I must be possessed, as with the many first times that I've tried ever since I chanced upon RV. I may regret this later on but maybe not. I just want to share about how I came to love Red Velvet and Wendy. This is a really long post and if you've made it this far, I would like to thank you for reading. I am an awkward person on twitter but I am always open to everyone.

I love Wendy, and anaesthesia is still one of the most scary things ever.